Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
