seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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