yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
