Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
