I can text with my tongue
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
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He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
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Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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