see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
