Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
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I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
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My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
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