so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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