Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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