So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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