using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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