Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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