Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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