I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
