Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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