she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Houston, we have a blender
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
