Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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