she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
