if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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