Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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