why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
