Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
