you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
