I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
