Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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