he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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