he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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