saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
