OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
