we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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