She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
