How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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