Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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