i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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