My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
