you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Randomize
