My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Randomize
