Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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