if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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