Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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