No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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