I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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