a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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