she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
