Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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