the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
