mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
