Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
