My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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