Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
