I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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