weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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