ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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