I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
